Goals

Some rules teach us to never do something, or to always do something.

Rules with the words never or always help prevent children from harming themselves. These rules help to assure physical safety and security.

Think about all of the places your child explores: Inside the house, outside your house, in the neighborhood, in other public places. Then, think about the rules that your child needs to know in those different places. Examples:

• Always keep the cap on poisonous fluids; Never store them away from the locked cupboard; Never put them into your mouth

• Always keep the knives drawer locked; Always handle knives by the handle

• Always unplug or shut off appliances after use

• Never touch hot surfaces

• Always look both ways before crossing the street

• Never ride your bicycle on the street

• Always wear your seatbelt

• Never stand behind a car

• Always stay near to your parent when you are outside the home or in an unfamiliar place.

Those are pretty important rules! Always and never are about safety and physical security.

The word ‘no,’ ‘not,’ or ‘later,’  are very important for building frustration tolerance. Frustration tolerance means learning to tolerate it when you can’t get what you want— or when you can’t get what you want right away

Parents have to teach frustration tolerance. They have to teach children that they cannot always have what they want, or that they cannot always have what they want right away.

Example: Too much screen time and too many sweets are not good for health. The words ‘no,’ ‘later,’ or ‘not,’ can be used to teach good health habits by limiting access to screen time and sweets.

Think about the rules you need to teach for building frustration tolerance and healthy habits for living. Use the words ‘no,’ ‘not,’ or ‘later’ to help children understand the following:

• Which privileges are allowed in your household? How often? for how long?

• How many routines or tasks need to get done before privileges are allowed?

• What limits will you set on screen time or sweets?

• What limits will you set on special privileges, such as going on an outing, or making a purchase in the store?

No, not, and Later helps children work towards goals that are important

Sometimes, we just don’t get what we want. Sometimes, not getting what you want is the best thing that could happen! It helps you to figure out what really matters and what you actually want

When children learn to tolerate the words no, not now, and later, they learn to focus on what’s not so fun (such as hard work) instead of just focusing on what’s fun (such as privileges).

Parents need to teach children ‘no, not now,’ and ‘later,’ because these words are so crucial to their independence and sense of self-efficacy. Mastering and accepting these words are the only way that children can practice all of the life skills that they need to learn.

No, not now, and later all teach frustration tolerance. They create opportunities to practice the hard skills of life. They teach us what’s truly important- and what might not be that important. These words help to build motivation- the motivation to work towards important goals, regardless of rewards or privileges.

Rules teach us what truly matters- and what might not matter so much

Children need to learn social rules. Social rules are not as dependent upon the words ‘no’ or ‘later.’ Social rules are more positive and pro-active.

The following rules are good social rules to teach, and are useful in almost all situations:

• Greet others

• Use words such as Please, Thank you, and I’m sorry.

• Take turns

• Follow rules in a game

These social rules are good to teach early and take several years to master. They should be in place by the time your child is in grade 2 to 3. They are a great foundation for building positive relationships.

However, social rules are more complex than just learning these few words. The next Parent Guide, on Friendships, shares additional information about social rules and how to build friendships.

Rewards and consequences are a part of life, and can be a part of your teaching about rules. Traffic safety rules are an example- if you break the rule and get caught, there’s a consequence (e.g. a ticket or a fine). However, it’s important to put rewards and consequences into their rightful place. On their own, they do. not confer so many benefits.

Rewards (like getting an extra privilege), or consequences (like, removing a privilege or getting a punishment) are not that useful if they are used too often. More important, rewards and consequences are not that useful when they do not include any teaching or learning.

The real reward from following rules is when they assure safety, reduce frustration, improve wellness, and increase self-confidence and success. It can be useful to use a reward or punishment to encourage behaviors that lead to these important benefits. But, the real reward occurs when children and youth understand the purpose of the rules.

Rewards (such as praise, a special treat) and consequences (such as the loss of a privilege, or a punishment) are good to use for young children. They cannot always see the benefits of rewards. They may need a concrete signal from you that they performed successfully, or mastered a new skill. Without the reward or punishment, they might not understand how rules work and what they gain from following rules. But, rewards and consequences are not that useful over the long term. They are also not that useful when you use them too often.

Here’s an idea for you to consider: Use rewards to celebrate your child’s success- and make sure that ‘success’ means one of the bullets on the main page (safety, security, wellness, reduced frustration, self-confidence, etc.). Be sure to make a connection for your child- show them how their behavior can lead to long-term benefits. Notice successes often. Give rewards less often. Deliver consequences only sometimes or rarely.