Rules
Rules give children the structure they need to stay safe, build healthy habits, and become more independent. Start with one rule at a time, and let consistency do the rest.
Every guide in The IEP for Home library has the same simple structure: one big goal, & a handful of small objectives. Stack the objectives, you reach the goal. Stack the goals, you raise a thriving child.
T H E S T R U C T U R EGOAL VS OBJECTIVE
What is a goal?
A goal is the big picture you are working toward. For this guide, the goal is to help your child learn and master the rules of life, so they can stay safe, build healthy habits, and become more independent.
What is an objective?
Objectives are the smaller steps that help you reach that goal. Each objective teaches one rule at a time, starting with safety and healthy habits, then moving on to getting along with others and understanding rewards and consequences.
Y O U R R O A D M A PFive objectives. Each one teaches an essential rule for everyday life. Follow them in order and your child builds the skills for lifelong success.
THE OBJECTIVES
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Kitchen safety:
⦿ Always keep caps secured on poisonous fluids — store them in a locked cupboard only.
⦿ Always keep the knife drawer locked. Handle knives by the handle only.
⦿ Always unplug or switch off appliances after use.
⦿ Never touch hot surfaces.
Outdoor and travel safety:
⦿ Always look both ways before crossing the street.
⦿ Never ride a bicycle on the street.
⦿ Always wear a seatbelt in the car.
⦿ Never stand behind a parked or running car.
⦿ Always stay close to a parent or guardian when outside the home.
Conversation Starters For You and Your Child
OBJECTIVE #1
Rules for Physical Safety & Security
Some rules exist to keep your child physically safe. These use the words 'Always' or 'Never' — and they are non-negotiable. Think about every place your child spends time and what rules apply there.
Erik’s Choice ★
For objective #1
"Always and Never rules are not up for debate. Teach them early, repeat them often, and mean them every time." — Erik
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⦿ Say out loud one Always rule and one Never rule you follow every day.
⦿ Next time you are in the kitchen or outside, follow the safety rule without being reminded.
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⦿ Walk through your home and outside spaces — write down every safety rule your child needs to know.
⦿ Practice one safety rule with your child this week until they can do it without a reminder.
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⦿ Frustration tolerance means learning to be patient when you cannot have something, or cannot have it yet. Parents teach this by saying No, Not now, or Later with confidence and consistency.
⦿ Use these words to set limits on screen time and sweets — both of which need clear rules.
⦿ Decide in advance: which privileges are allowed, how often, and for how long? Write them on the schedule so your child always knows.
⦿ Decide how many tasks or routines need to be completed before a privilege is granted.
⦿ Set clear rules for special privileges too — like outings or purchases at the shop.
⦿ Remember: sometimes not getting what you want is the best thing that can happen. It helps children figure out what truly matters to them.
Conversation Starters For You and Your Child
OBJECTIVE #2
Rules for Healthy Habits and Frustration Tolerance
The words 'No,' 'Not,' and 'Later' are powerful teaching tools. They help children learn to wait, manage disappointment, and build the healthy habits that come from not always getting what they want right away.
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⦿ Practice waiting for one privilege today without arguing or asking again.
⦿ Name one rule about screen time or sweets that you already follow well.
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⦿ Write down the limits you want to set on screen time, sweets, and special privileges.
⦿ Use No, Later, or Not now calmly and consistently — every time, without giving in.
Erik’s Choice ★
For objective #2
Words like "no," "not now," and "later" are some of the most powerful tools a parent has. When children can't get what they want right away, they're given the chance to calm themselves, problem-solve, and grow more independent.
"No, not now, and later are not punishments — they are the best lessons you can teach." — Erik
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⦿ Self-efficacy means believing in your own ability to do something hard. Children build this by being asked to wait, try, and persist — not by always getting what they want.
⦿ 'No', 'not now', and 'later' create the space for children to practice life skills. When a child cannot immediately turn to a privilege, they have to figure out how to occupy themselves, self-regulate, and problem-solve.
⦿ These words also build motivation — the drive to work toward something important, even when it is not immediately rewarded.
⦿ Teach your child that rules show us what truly matters. Following a rule even a hard one is a sign of strength, not weakness.
⦿ Explain the "why" behind the rule: "We finish homework now so you can feel proud and prepared for school tomorrow."
Conversation Starters For You and Your Child
OBJECTIVE #3
Rules for Building Independence and Self-Efficacy
When children learn to accept 'No,' 'Not now,' and 'Later,' they develop the ability to push through hard things — and that is the foundation of true independence and self-confidence.
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⦿ Try to do something hard today without giving up when it gets difficult.
⦿ After finishing a task, tell a parent how it felt to complete it on your own.
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⦿ Connect every ‘No’ or ‘Later’ to a clear reason your child can understand.
⦿ Notice and celebrate moments when your child pushes through something hard.
Erik’s Choice ★
For objective #3
"Independence is not given — it is practiced. Every time a child hears No and keeps going, they grow a little stronger." — Erik
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⦿ Teach your child to greet others — a simple hello goes a long way.
⦿ Practice the words Please, Thank you, and I'm sorry until they become automatic.
⦿ Teach taking turns — in games, in conversation, and in everyday situations.
⦿ Teach your child to follow the rules of a game, even when they are losing.
⦿ These rules take years to master — start early, practice often, and be patient.
⦿ For more details on social rules and how to build friendships, see the Friendships Parent Guide.
Conversation Starters For You and Your Child
OBJECTIVE #4
Social Rules
Social rules help your child get along with others. Unlike safety or habit rules, they are positive and proactive — they are about what to do, not what to avoid. Aim to have these in place by the time your child reaches grades 2 to 3.
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⦿ Use Please, Thank you, or I'm sorry at least once today without being reminded.
⦿ Practice taking turns in a game this week — even when it is hard to wait.
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⦿ Model social rules every day — your child learns most by watching you.
⦿ Gently correct social mistakes in the moment, without embarrassing your child.
Erik’s Choice ★
For objective #4
"Please, thank you, and I'm sorry cost nothing and open every door. Practice them until they are automatic." — Erik
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⦿ Use rewards to celebrate success — but make sure 'success' means a real benefit like staying safe, finishing a task, or handling frustration well. Not just doing what was asked.
⦿ For young children, a concrete reward (praise, a small treat) helps them understand they did something well — they cannot always see long-term benefits yet.
⦿ Always connect the reward to the reason: 'You waited patiently — that shows real self-control. That is something to be proud of.'
⦿ Notice successes often. Give rewards less often. Use consequences only sometimes.
⦿ Consequences (removing a privilege, a brief punishment) work best when used rarely and paired with a clear explanation of why.
⦿ Rewards and consequences used too often or without teaching lose their power quickly.
Conversation Starters For You and Your Child
OBJECTIVE #5
Rewards and Consequences
Rewards and consequences are useful tools — but only when used the right way. On their own, without teaching, they do not get you very far. The real reward of following rules is the long-term benefit: safety, less frustration, better health, and more confidence.
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⦿ Name one rule you follow well and explain why it matters to you.
⦿ Next time you earn a reward, say out loud what you did to earn it.
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⦿ This week, notice at least three moments when your child follows a rule well — and say so out loud.
⦿ Give a reward less than you praise. Let the connection to the benefit do the real work.
Erik’s Choice ★
For objective #5
"Praise the effort, not just the result. A child who tries hard and fails is doing better than one who succeeds without trying." — Erik
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⦿ Mix up privileges and some tasks occasionally. You can add a new (short) task that was not expected. Or put a fun event into the schedule that was not expected. — this teaches flexibility.
⦿ When you make a change, tell your child about it in advance. Use the clock to show when the unexpected task or activity event will start. Or, choose to make it a surprise. See if your child can manage that level of stress. Use the clock to show them how long the new event will last.
⦿ Schedule 'no schedule' time: ask 'What do you want to do until bedtime?' — this gives your child practice with open, unplanned time.
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⦿ Recite the schedule back to you from memory.
⦿ Complete routines without much supervision.⦿ Follow rules at home and outside the home.
⦿ Manage frustration without much adult help.
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⦿ Try to keep schedules similar in both homes.
⦿ Children can learn two different schedules — it just takes more time.
⦿ Use a visual schedule in both homes, especially if they are different.
Conversation Starters For You and Your Child
OBJECTIVE #6
Teach Your Child To Be Flexible
Once your child can follow the schedule, start teaching them to handle changes and surprises without them getting upset.
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⦿ Say what the plan change is out loud: 'Today is different because...'
⦿ Try one 'no schedule' activity and enjoy the free time.
⦿ Practise calming down when something changes unexpectedly.
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⦿ Introduce one small planned change per week.
⦿ Explain changes in advance whenever possible.
Praise your child when they handle a change calmly.
Erik’s Choice ★
For objective #6
Practice Makes Flexible: Flexibility is a skill. Practice it on purpose by planning changes to the schedule. This strategy might be very helpful as seasons change, or when it’s school vacation. When changes to the schedule are familiar, they produce less stress.
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⦿ Only add extra activities after your child has fully mastered the daily schedule.
⦿ Start with one new activity at a time — do not overload the schedule.
⦿ If possible, treat the new activity like any other routine: same day, same time each week.
An over-scheduled child will be as frustrated as an under-scheduled child. Do your best do allow for some down time each day or each week.
⦿ Talk to your child's teacher or therapist when adding new activities — they can offer useful advice.
Conversation Starters For You and Your Child
OBJECTIVE #7
Add Extra-Curricular Activities
Once your child reliably follows their daily schedule, you can add activities like music lessons, a sports team, or an art class to their routine.
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⦿ Go to bed at the same time every night.
⦿ Stay in bed until wake-up time (weekends too).
⦿ Follow the wind-down routine: bath, book, lights out.
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⦿ Set a firm, consistent bedtime tonight.
⦿ Read the Sleeping Guide for extra tips.
⦿ Model the routine — try to go to bed at a regular time yourself.
Erik’s Choice ★
For objective #7
Extras Come Last: Extra activities are a bonus, not a must. Only add them when the basics are solid and your child is coping well with the daily routine. One at a time is enough.
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